Mastering others is Strength. Mastering yourself is True Power ~ LAO TZU
Of many happenings in my life, I can count many which have left a deep and lasting traumatic impressions. Gradually, now after prolonged years of life, I am beginning to realize a definite transformation has taken place in me. The head and heart both have embraced the change – I think I can feel and think with both. It is seldom that one remains ahead of the other constantly. Ups and downs of life haven’t affected me a lot. In many ways I think others would have been influenced more than how I perceive them in my own case. Yet my life has been full of traumatizing experiences especially because of people and incidents connected to me. During the last 12 years or so, I have mulled over my reflections of the past as well as ruminating what future holds for me. This state has not resulted out of any discontentment or vexation. My center point of aspirations and dreams of not what I should have been but what I did not do, so to be able to make a difference in lives of others. At the same time, I have regret over what I could learn and what were my potentials to explore and exploit my life. I think I became like so many who are moving in my first two inner circles of life and are lost in a directionless existence. Their goals, in my opinion, more of what they would like to be in a short term. I can fathom their lack of desire and action to break themselves free. Some, rather many are not sure of themselves of what they could achieve with their lives. Many, sadly do not realize their true potential. Me, I consider myself in a group in that circle. I seriously feel that I have wasted so much of Time which I could ‘earn’ usefully not in a materialistic way but what I could do to contribute which could have been my earning. I have a self-belief that no matter how difficult, I could have excelled in many ways. In the last decade or so, I have dissipated two years of my life. The unintended dissipation of my concept of ‘Time’ has resulted into reorientation. The tone and tenor of my inner surges have pulled me away sneaking to a new found stimulus. The forces inside me have definitely done one thing for sure of which I have no vacillation. They have kindled my urge to write. Two areas I have begun to free myself to. Write my life story. It has been difficult because of vast empty spaces when it comes to details. I am happy that I kept all diaries, despite so many movements and resetting within the military postings and transfers. These diaries which I wrote with interruptions have helped in jogging my memories as best as I could and relate to events at that time and letting the pen do the rest. The second is writing when I am affected by my own biases, people, and events, impassioned feelings, first impressions and judgemental thoughts. This state remains fleeting and open-ended without leaving any imprints unless I do not gloss them in my words with an exact description of how I felt and with congruent intensity at the time. I have added a couple of my thoughts on my Blog Page as MINDFULNESS and DRIBBLING WITH RUMINATIONS. I have to think of a title or choose a heading, will do so this after I have finished this page. I am occupied presently writing my initial draft of my life story. The idea is to preserve me in black and white. I will leave it behind me for someone to discover me more of what I am. Strong writing skills haven’t been my forte. I do consider myself missing a lot of cardinals of good writing. Browsing the net for Autobiographies and Biographies I have today stumbled upon searching for a list of works of great writers. I accidently found out about great American writer Mark Twain who left instructions not to publish his autobiography until 100 years after his death which was around 2010. I have yet to read the book so cannot right away comment on why? I though know that I would continue to write and leave my draft script for somebody else to take up the challenge. So much for considering myself to be somebody’s challenge.
Let me come to my second part of the action. In 2012 I started painting with great earnest. Self-learning is a great pleasure and in this case tremendous relaxation. It has been now almost 4 years that I have been painting. The weekends are the days I look forward to playing with colors. Gradually after giving away over hundred paintings to friends and colleagues has given me the priceless endorsement of my work. Thanks to Facebook which allowed me to showcase my work to the surprise and bewilderment of many of my friends who did not know of my love for painting. What really pushed me to keep on the painting is a Pakistani cartoonist, caricaturist a painter and a friend Sabir Nazar who lives in Lahore and belongs to Kohat. He told me not to care how good or bad is my work as long as I was doing it myself – that was the trigger which set everything in motion. I tell everyone that I do not consider myself an artist of any sort. I am far away from being a traditional artist. I am self-trained and learned through practice. The painting has given me a life to create. My Hobby is not to just distract myself but to distract away from worldly nickel and dime stuff and other triflings. I am not attracted to colors but it is the colors of nature which pull me. I am not painting to sell. I am driven to paint, but I want to sell. I enjoy the feeling of knowing my works will definitely be a source of adornment. It has already happened and it will continue to be. The paintings I make have been a great source of pleasure. Something very solo and unrepeatable. Something made is final. I hate to correct my mistakes on canvas. Where I have done I have not liked it. Good or bad let it be.
The entire activity with brush and what I write is driven by my absolute and the central key of the relationship of me with Time. I have tried to say and I have written about that. Much is in my mind but the darkness of outer space and the world of moons, suns and stars have convinced me and I say it always for myself that I only live in future. The present for me is not more than a PICOSECOND – one trillion of a second. That is my present to you. Please read and enjoy and comment.