6 Jan 2007 – Important and Serious. (failing health)


My dearest Agha Jan, AOA!

There is something I have been meaning to tell you for sometime but I do not know how to put every thing in words. I also do not know whether if you will believe me or not. I recall talking to you on the phone when I had come back from Australia that there is a chip in my head. You must know that some of the things I started apprehending during my final lectures of e-commerce. In that the lecturer was indirectly addressing through slides with words such as “the double edged sword, it is no longer a secret, the person who carried this information had a tattoo on his head and that his head is clean shaven”. Each time he would look at me while addressing them. I was becoming convinced of my teacher’s words being real because the first night that I had spent in Canberra, in the morning when I woke up there was a big deep dip on my head. I wore the cap all day because it seemed that part of skull had gone down. I spoke to Ali the next day but we concerted that it is nothing and it will go away and it did. Anyhow, there were plenty of things going around me in Australia, especially, people acting strangely. Eventually I started becoming distorted while trying to understand what people around me are up to and what your emails have been all about. By not being able to cope up with my studies because of not being able to let go of the philosophy that I had been reading was the only reason for not being able to clear my first semester. In the last few years I think that I have been reading books to seek refuge for being dissatisfied with the life I had before I started reading. The book reading before going to Australia was like a medicine for me that did not let me fall. I started believing in books so much that it felt that as if not reading despite that I had a semester to look forward was beyond my control. I should have managed my reading habits with my given curriculum in fact there was not any need to read in the first place since I had university studies at hand. I can’t truly explain you how I felt during the first semester but that it was as if I was addicted to books just like smoking, golf e.t.c. It gravely affected my studies. I know that nothing can undo the past but if I was not studying books I would have given attention and thorough interest in studies or would have greatly increased my chances to get by the semester.

I have not been honest to everyone. I have also been withholding information for quite a while because I wanted to be certain of what I am experiencing. I do not think if I still have the precise words to explain or anyone would comprehend this explanation but I am giving it a try. The night I wrote to you about my reverences for prophets and Sufism I witnessed something out of the life ordinary. Not long ago I read a Persian treatise on Sufism in which there was a reference to expansion and contraction of the heart. I would also like you to bear in mind that I am not a sufi because I cannot attain their levels of piety and mortifications. Anyhow, what I mean to tell you is that during that early morning in Australia after I had sent you the email that I have mentioned above, I was abducted by a spirit and still am. I withheld this because I was estranged of his existence. It first occurred to me when I was in the bathroom because I could feel something swirling on my left shoulder and not only that but as if something is partly underneath your skin and partly above it. I could only relate it at the time to Kahlil Gibran’s poem. Things were quiet. He was observing me while I was in Australia and there was nothing more evidentiary for me to establish elaborated proof of him. Sometimes I thought that I might have been hallucinating. My curiosity became more blended with suspicion. I started to look at things differently. Reality seemed different but there weren’t any proofs of him being inside of me because he was quiet and bending reality around me was largely my own perception. When I came back to Pakistan I started experiencing tapping on my arms, shoulders, feet, legs and sometimes my thumb or other fingers would flicker momentarily especially when I am writing. Every muscle of my body responds. Even right now I am experiencing this writing to you. In the beginning when this started happening I did not give it much heed. But gradually he has started to become more resilient. He communicates with me through words spoken on TV, while I am reading, when I am writing my office work, during conversations with people. I can’t even begin to explain you how difficult living has become when someone is being distracted after every few seconds and is corrected each time. It is so hard to concentrate and gradually because of these constant distractions I am forgetting things. My whole life has become a lesson but the bitterness is that during lessons I do not have the discretion of attention if I desire to do so. I was still doubtful until this phenomena heightened since he started to move my neck with so much strength to the extent as if he can break it. Imagine as if someone grabs me from behind my neck and moves it around to look at certain objects, as he desires me. I try to not move and stay still but I cannot do that because he strangles me by the neck. If I could feel his hand then I can move it away because it is physically possible. I cannot do that because there is nothing physically possible within my reach. He moves part of my spine that conjoins the neck with so much strength. It is like when someone takes his dog out to walk and when one wants the dog to travel his desired course he pulls the leash and the dog is driven due to the strap tied around the collar being pulled. I wish I had the words to explain all of this to you. I wish I can do something about it but there is nothing and only to sustain the burden of this pain. My life is living hell in every true sense of my sentences. He is living and acknowledging my thoughts. The sort of thoughts those are mute. I try to be evasive in my thinking and opinion about things but he can sense them with utmost clarity and then acknowledges them. He even moves my jugular vein like a bubble shaking and protruding outwards from the throat. No shrink in the world can help me and no medicine can cure it. I know you are ladened with family engagements and work in Liberia. The last thing I want to do is to distress you any further but I am telling you this because you seem like the only one who would believe me. Out of billions of people on this planet who go through arduous things in life and maybe thousands who die everyday of every age this had to happen to me only. I must have done something severely bad among many sins in my life but particularly something so sinful to deserve this. There is nothing in this world more peaceful than being totally alone or to be around a big gathering. Had I been the former I would rely on myself alone and take comfort in that reliance. In the latter I may take refuge in others company but it turns out that I am a prisoner. I am too discomforted at this point to explicate any further.

Moody

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